Hello,
I hope you are having a nice day.
Or at the very least, I hope that today has a nice moment (or lots of them).
Richard E Grant has some lovely things to say about finding a pocketful of happiness in every day. There is so so much happiness and reasons to smile (and laugh!) everywhere, so say hello to them and invite them in.
I am at peace because I’ve realised that in all the ways that matter, my existence is wonderful. I have family that love me so very much, and I love them so so very very much. Mum, Dad, Euan, Ani, Morghana, Fergus, I love you all. I love my aunties and uncles and cousins and grand and granddads and all my ancestors. You are the stars in the sky and you are the magical spark of cosmos in its purest form. Keep being your wonderful selves.
I know there are lots of people in the world who aren’t so fortunate to have a family as wonderful as mine are to me, but I do know people who have all sorts of absent or discfunctional or toxic family situations who have found the joy and love and sense of belonging in other places. I am so grateful that is something that is part of my existence, and for anyone reading this who doesn’t have it at the moment, it’s waiting for you, I am certain of it. If you need a starting point, I love you, and I believe in you, so even if the pilot light in your boiler of hope has gone out, I’m keeping a fire lit for you forever. Don’t give up.
I am also at peace because of my friends. My family are my friends too, but lots of my friends aren’t technically family, but are just as special. Some friends I have known my whole life. Some I’ve only gotten to know more recently. Some I speak to most days, and some I can go months or years without seeing and yet as soon as we meet it’s like no time has passed. You are beautiful and wonderful and funny and inspiring and human and good. When times are good or bad, the goodness in you glows through and makes mine glow too.
If my time has come, then I’m ok with that. I’m at peace. I love my body, and I’ll miss it, but there’s more to me than that. Everything I’ve ever put out into the world has ripples going on for ever. My output to the universe has been rooted in values of kindness and inclusivity and good humour and wanting the best for all. I don’t have any significant regrets because on the occasions I’ve put things out into the world that weren’t aligned with who I aspire to be, I was always doing my best with what I knew at the time, so I hope anyone I have been unfair to found healing and forgiveness. There are times I’ve had to asset boundaries, like when people are being wilfully selfish and are causing pain to folks who deserve kindness, and I’m just as proud of being stern with them as I am of being kind to sweet folks. It’s regrettable there are people who don’t see the big picture no matter how much we all try, but those are not my regrets. I have no major regrets, and that gives me peace.
In my path through life and career, I have accomplished so much. More than many do in one lifetime. I’m proud of both the quantity and quality of my adventures. Theatre, music, cabaret, circus, and other human creative in-person happenings around stories have all brought my such a lot of happiness - friendships forged in creative collaborations have a particularly strong and resilient character. Friends from projects like These Trees are Made of Blood, or Cabarets and Spiegeltent, or the Olive project, or the Tarot world, or Sounds Impossible, or Dead on Time, or Cruise Ships, or Edinburgh fringe, or Pantomimes, are particularly special because we created those together from shared passion, a shared love of giving audiences lovely experiences, things that will be special memories forever. That’s the magic of life and the universe. Sure there were some folk in all those projects whose fear or ignorance cause them to hold it back in some ways, but as Eilon observed “every organism needs and asshole” and maybe the way to see it is that they’re sent to that project to learn to be less bad, so if sacrificing a small percentage of the overall success diverts a bit of positive energy into the world by helping rehabilitate problematic behaviours, then I’m at peace with that, and I also admire the universe’s wisdom to create those conditions for potential transformation.
My flat is very full of stuff. Lots of books I’ve read multiple times and lots of books I haven’t read much or at all. Although it’s all very squished together, to me it’s a well appointed mansion of personal treasures. Most or maybe all of it is of little meaning to others, but I think that’s probably a good sign. It’d be easy to have a wardrobe of designer clothes, or a valuable collection of well catalogued props or a useful occult reference library, and if that’s the legacy someone dreams to create, then that’s great for them. My belongings were always only ever just to help get my to the next mountain top. To get the next evolution of my shows or writings created and into the world. Being a creator means keeping raw materials to hand, whether that’s odd assortments of tools or books that have maybe one good idea in them or a funky cover. And digitally too, it’s a cluttered desktop or a phone with a full memory. I used to think that was such a cruel thing to die - leaving a flat that needed a hoover and dirty laundry (or clean and not put away), and messy paperwork etc. But I’ve realised actually it’s the difference between a garden that is just gravel and a couple of pot plants, and one that’s bursting with life, and some of its weeds and brambles and nettles, but it’s rich and the bees prefer it, and there’s so much more richness to it. So I’m sorry-not-sorry about leaving so much stuff behind, but I don’t think I’ve been a hoarder- I’m happy for it to all be released into the recycling centre (or landfill). I don’t think my spirit will haunt those things. I think my essence doesn’t live in objects. I think it lives in the things you look at and think “oh Neil would like that” or “Neil would have something to say about that”. So enjoy those rather than getting too attached to physical objects.
I poured all my passion into my friendships and creativity. I didn’t ever feel a particular pull to pursue romance - I tried the dating apps and everything but nobody ever clicked as meaningfully as family or creative friends, so I don’t think that was for me. And I’m at peace with that. I didn’t expect to have children, but being an uncle is the best, and it’s amazing seeing them grow and learn. Humans are awesome.
And part of what makes us awesome is the fact we’re here for such a short time. All lives are too short. Living to 200 would still be too short. It’s because the real truth is that death isn’t an ending, it’s just a transition from one thing to another. I’m at peace with that. I’m not too bothered what happens with my body after I’m finished with it. If any of the organs or ingredients are useful to anyone then please do take them. The rest can be buried or cremated or pushed out to sea in a burning longboat or whatever. It has served me well and will go back into the Earth and become something else.
“The secret identity of the creator behind the viral Internet sensations BGT’s ‘The Phantom’ and AGT’s ‘Olive’ has finally been revealed. Neil Kelso, 39 year old Writer, Magician, Musician and Cabaret Performer has died, leaving instructions that ‘I think that the lovely supportive people who followed my characters closely on TV should be allowed to know who brought them to life, and why. In a world where we’re all told we’ve got to get noticed to survive, I think sometimes that necessary drive for the artist to be famous gets in the way of the story. And for artists who are a bit more introverted or don’t crave the spotlight, that can be an obstacle. The Got Talent shows are the biggest stage the human race has ever had, and it is open-access. SO if you really care about your story and want as many people as possible to be able to find it, that’s a great place to share it. Unlike other routes where you need to know somebody, or have lots of money to support you, if you can get your story/art/act to that stage in a presentable way, you have the same chance as everyone else for it to be seen by the world. In the early days of the show, they seemingly had to prove it could tell the difference between objectively good and bad acts, and so would show both, but I am glad it has matured out of that and now only airs work that is good or at least interesting/playful, so it has become much kinder, which is great. The thought that my work has been seen many hundreds of millions of times is mindblowing to me, and by being invisible I have not had any of the downside of being photographed popping to the shops in my civvies or getting hassled in the street by unhinged fans. (The hinged ones are lovely of course). Russ1, Ben, Russ2, Guy, Sophie, Josh, and others were great helps bringing The Phantom to life, and John1, Ruth, John2, Ed, Lawrence, Alex, Joe, M, Chris, Duane, and others were great helps bringing Olive to life. My next step would’ve been to return to BGT to thank everyone for their support. As it is, I’ve enjoyed my life, and I’m grateful to have been able to share some fun stories with you all. Remember to be kind to others and to yourself, because me, Olive, and The Phantom are always watching.’ Neil Kelso also wrote and directed the immersive mystery ‘Dead on Time’ which is being performed on the British Pullman, and to raise money for funeral expenses, you can pay to watch online the recording of Neil Kelso’s “Sounds Impossible” last month at Hoxton Hall.”
As you can tell, writing a press release about my death, I’m very much at peace with it. I’ve lived a really nice life. The Hoxton Hall show is on my YouTube or Laptop (or via Matthew_Kaltenborn@outlook.com) and Euan or Alex would be able to organise a pay link via something like JustGiving that brings money to you.
I thought “ooh I could set my alarm early and watch the sun rise” but then I thought “actually a few extra hours sleep sound like a better idea” but thennnn I ended up waking up early anyways and I wrote this. So I did see the sunrise. It’s cloudy but it counts. Clouds are amazing.
So yeah, to sum up how I’m feeling at the moment - peaceful. The sun will come shining through. I just got a little glimpse of blue sky and an airplane, so I think that’s actually a sign I’m gonna be living longer than today. But either way I’m happy.
Mum, Dad, Euan, Ani, Morghana, Fergus, Family, Friends, I love you always and forever.
Neil xxx
PS: don’t forget that daily pocketful of happiness, because as Charlie Chaplin said “a day without laughter is a day wasted” and share the laughs too because as Victor Borge said “laughter is the shortest distance between two people”. 😁🫶🥳✨♥️
PPS: for admin stuff, my London address 129b Bounds Green Road, London, N11 2PP - estate agent Zach Kyriacou at HomeLink Lettings 02088822112 and landlord Mr Sheth 079904681764 ... and my laptop is M4GicKelso... and my phonecode is 174444 ... my London friends Betsy(Sophie) 07849969213 and Alex 07710268057 ... the rest of any admin stuff is in my phone or laptop. Sorry it's not all better organised - I was very busy living a wonderful life :D You have my permission (and encouragement) to not let any of my stuff or admin be any burden whatsoever. Love you! X